D is for Doubt
If belief is the opposite of doubt, then I find belief to be a lot like math. In theory, I understand some of the basic tenants. I have seen some experts put it into practice. And if I strive very hard, I can graze my fingers along its edge before it vanishes again.
I wish belief was easy for me but it is not.
I grew up in a Christian home, attended a Christian college, populated my social calendar with religious groups and events and regularly attended church for almost all of my 39 years.
Yet, doubt is my default.
I’ve never been comfortable declaring myself a Christian because 1.) some of the worst people I know are Christians and 2.) I was never very good at it. For me, it is the equivalent of claiming to be a mathematician.
At the moment, the best I can do is declare myself as having one foot in a bucket of agnosticism and one foot in an ocean of hopeful thinking.
The “Good” News
I have a hard time imagining a God who created a world full of diversity and then created a prescribed six step program that swings open the gates Heaven. But in His creativity, He forgot to give the instructions to the bulk of the world.
Rachel Held Evans’s book Evolving in Monkey Town says this, “If salvation is available only to Christians, then the gospel isn’t good news at all. For most of the human race, it is terrible news.”
For years, I refused to read even one book that might contradict what I was taught. My faith was already that shaky. I still have a hard time reading them, feeling I have to balance the scales by reading an equal number of Zondervan books.
Two of my favorite middle ground books include Rachel Held Evans’s Evolving in Monkey Town and Jason Boyett’s O Me of Little Faith. Both are decidedly smarter than me and they offer wise rationales on why they doubt. Their excuses are more articulate and well-rounded than my excuse of “I just don’t get it.”
Letting Go
Many of the things I was raised to believe, ring hollow for me now. I see contradictions everywhere. I can’t buy the Bible’s teachings lock, stock and barrel. I have a hard time believing Jesus has a political affiliation, let alone a country preference. And for years, I have faithfully carried out all the steps to grow your faith–attend church, read the Bible, practice quiet time, join a Bible study, serve in the community and so on.
But right now, I am tired. I have searched. I have performed my part–diligently seeking. But I still have not found.
Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell
It feels inappropriate to express doubt for a multitude of reasons.
- I might infect someone who is secure in their beliefs.
- I will worry my loved ones, who are now convinced I am headed to hell.
- It invites people to convert me or to help me see the light.
- It doesn’t solve anything.
There are a hundred reasons to NOT ask questions. There are a thousand reasons to nod along with masses, pretending that I am moved by the worship music and that the Bible verses light up on the page.
I find myself in a more pressing predicament with my two children (age 7 and 9). Both of them are prayer warriors, steadfast believers and generous souls. I don’t want to do anything to jeopardize their growing faith.
Since doubt is my default, I don’t want to pollute them with my unbelief. But when they ask hard faith questions, am I supposed to lie? Am I suppose to recite what I was taught? Or do I share honestly or with filters?
I urge you to comment politely. Are you full of belief–or doubt? Are you good at math?
Tomorrow’s post is about Editing.
I too attended church every Sunday, and did all of the faithful things you are supposed to do. I have opted through my adult life to worship the Lord in my own way. I am a believer, but am just not a church-goer. Those who’ve known me…know that I have NEVER believed that God would favor one religion over another. My experience with church has always been that it’s a place where people may go to worship, but most of them are there for two reasons (1) to be able to say they went, and (2) to show off their worldly goods and abilities to “tithe” the best. I’ve lived all over the Eastern half of this country, and no matter what church I’ve gone to, it’s always the same.
I have two older teenagers, and have spent their lives being as honest with them as possible. I have been clear with them that I believe in God and Jesus, that I pray every day, and believe in a higher purpose. I have been careful not to force anything on them, and they seem to be finding their way in that arena pretty well so far.
I truly commend you for your honesty, Nicole! It’s not an easy topic of discussion!
Mother Teresa lived with doubt, an absolute lack of faith, for most of her later life. If a saint may doubt, so may we all.
I’m absolutely terrible at math, always have been. I’m not a very religious person. I find it hard to believe that any one man or organisation can have all of the answers for everybody, and like you, I balk at the hypocrisy so often found in the way religious texts are interpreted by people.
I am, however, a very spiritual person. I believe that you can take the lessons of many forms of belief and apply them to your own life to be a better person. Faith and spirituality are very personal things, and it’s up to each of us to find the path that’s right for us. Doubt is a natural part of that journey. Without doubt, we cannot question. And without questions, we cannot learn.
Thank you for all your thoughtful comments. I balk at anyone who claims to know the correct answer, every time. And I particular like the point of “Without questions, we cannot learn.” Thanks all!
Yes, faith has felt like trying to divide zero into parts–an impossible math problem. I’ve heard that the opposite of doubt is indifference–and this makes more sense to me. I find most resonance with Jesus on the cross saying “my god my god why have you forsaken me?”–I don’t think doubt is extraneous or opposite to faith–the big questions are the ones at the core of meaning.
Oh, Nicole, I can relate to your post! I personally think God is so much bigger than any of us can know or imagine. I also think there are so many paths to truth… I refuse to believe that Ghandi is not in Heaven. I agree that I am always so suspicious of those who profess to know everything and that doubting is somehow a bad thing. Thanks for the post!